Winter quarters for the carnival consisted of a huge lot filled with broken and running carnival rides and food trucks as well as bunkhouses for the big and small show. I was given the grand tour then we hopped in the back of a heavy duty pickup truck, the kind big enough to tow one of the rides. We were going to Woodbridge, VA which was home of one of my favorite models Zui Suicide
I soon got acquainted with my new game supervisor, Terry Harris. Terry had lived on the road for many many years. She raised her family on the road. Her two sons Mikey and Keifer and her husband Bill. Her daughter and law and other son got in an accident the year before or I’d have met them, too.
My game was called the fishy fish. A game meant for children under the age of 5, you take a magnetic fishing pole and catch little magnetic fish in a small kiddie pool. Always a winner, pick any prize. Chris was assigned to multiple rides but I specifically remember him working Zero Gravity.
I set up mine and Terry’s game and immediately started working that day. Woodbridge went by really quickly and before I knew it we were already tearing it down and heading to Camden, NJ.
“I can play the game all night, right”, is what a heavy set old black lady asked as she slipped a decent amount of pills down the front of my apron. I didn’t know how to respond, so I did as little responding as I could. I just let her play my game all night. I let her wild little grand babies fish their little hearts out and they were able to collect every prize I had to offer. And that lady came back to play my game every night that week, bringing more pills with her every time.
Chris was absolutely ecstatic to have me come back to the bunkhouse at the end of the night to unload a bunch of Percocet and Xanax. I always tell people the first time I used drugs, I shot up. I always forget about my little time I had at the carnival snorting free pills from my apron. I had a line of carnies looking to find me to try and buy some after the word got out.
This was the first time I realized Chris may have had a drug problem before I met him.
And the problem didn’t end in Camden. The combination of Percocet and Xanax put me into a seizure which scared the shit out of Chris and I. And on top of all that, the big old black lady from Camden followed the carnival for three more towns before we were finally too far to follow. I was helping her sell to the carnies and Chris was spending his whole check on some more. That lady had to have at least 2 or 3 of every inflatable we had to offer but for some reason her grandbabies sure loved fishing, they were overjoyed with the simplicity of catching a fish with a magnet in a small kiddie pool.
When we ran out of drugs, I saw a side of Chris that I’ve never seen anyone have before. He just became like a small child being told no. He just walked off his ride, crying literal tears because he was no longer able to continue getting high. I was lucky enough to find a lonely Xanax in my pocket and convince him to get back to work. He regained his composure but upon returning to his ride he twisted his ankle.
It’s not the first time I could see what drugs can do to a person.
We spent the rest of the time out on the road back to our normal and sober selves. We traveled all up and down New Jersey. I specifically remember going to a gorgeous little town called Ramsey, covered in flowers and floral trees. Not only that but it’s the town that Chris picked me a little dandelion off the side of the road and just as he helped me make a wish and blew off all the seeds a truck filled with his coworkers drives by poking fun.
Or the town we worked at outside of the Paramus mall where we bought some cool new Nike shoes at
Everyday that I spent with Chris I fell in love with him just a little bit more. That new relationship bliss you have, that mixed in with the exhilaration of being in a new town every week. It was indescribable. The more I learned about him, the more I fell in love.
The week of my birthday Chris was caught by one of my coworkers sneaking off to be with another girl, a townie. I was going to leave him right then and there, I even packed up everything I owned and got myself shit faced drunk with April and Red and a few of the other girls from the show. They all woke him up in the middle of the night pretending like they were going to fuck him up for me. They cheered me up and I spent the night in Eddie, the Janitor’s, Jeep.
The next day after he literally begged me on his knees to stay, I did l. We stayed working for the carnival until right before the 4th of July at Asbury Park and took the Lewes Ferry from Cape May to Lewes DE. Chris’ heterosexual life partner, Kevin Althouse, picked us up from the ferry and drove us to their hometown, Hebron which was right outside of Salisbury in Maryland.
They just drop me off at Chris’ step dad, Mike’s house. An hour or so later Chris comes back, stumbling out of the car and proceeds to vomit profusely under the tree in the front yard with all his brothers having a clear shot of the shit show he brought home. They were so disappointed. I didn’t know what was going on.
He seemed delirious, almost drunk. I may not have known what was going on but his brothers did. He was high on heroin. All his brothers witnessing him on the verge of an overdose with his strange girlfriend looking lost and confused at the doorstep. I can’t imagine what was going through their minds. I didn’t know what a person on heroin looked like.
I brought him inside to the bathroom and he puked until he couldn’t anymore. I helped him into the tub and I bathed him while he kissed me and touched me all over telling me repeatedly how beautiful I was an how much he loved me. Eventually, he got to the part where he shot up heroin with his friend Kevin.
Heroin?!? Heroin is almost like a bad word, like it leaves this strange feeling in your gut just thinking about it. The idea of heroin genuinely scared the shit out of me. The name alone is enough for anyone to be like, “wow, no! I’d never touch that”
But, the next day Kevin and his wife Kristen come by with their kids for a pool party and even though I was scared and even though just the thought of doing a drug as powerful and addicting as heroin, it’s like I just needed to know.
I needed to know why my dad always chose drugs over his kids. Why Chris was choosing drugs now. Why this specific drug was taking the lives of so many and what could it possibly feel like to cause so much harm. How something could make you throw everything away in life just so you can feel instant euphoria.
So, I shot up some heroin.
Heroin was the best feeling I ever felt in my entire life. It felt so good everywhere. The euphoria was indescribable. I had to spend the entire day in the pool because if I got out I’d immediately start puking. The time we spent in that pool is a feeling I’d never truly experience ever again.. but, one of those memories that will always stick by me.
It’s like Chris was the only thing in the entire world. I loved him more on that day then any previous day. It felt like we were connected at a whole different level and I wanted to feel this way forever.
Allie Willey 