I guess Dakota is growing apart from me. I feel like he no longer wants me around and that’s a terrible feeling.

Finally, all the weight of hiding what his mother has done to him was out on the table. Everyone who mattered to him finally knew the truth.

One day we decided it to be a good day to go to the creek. We brought Caiden along and picked up Dakota’s mom and cousin from their place in Fordland and drove to the creek that Dakota and I freguiented.

Dakota left halfway through our stay with his cousin to roll a fatty for us all to share. The thing is, it got extremely awkward once they left. I sat in the creek in my bathing suit. Caiden was literally right next to me and his mother looks at me and proceeds to tell me how attractive she finds me and how she’s always wanted to have sex with me and if I somehow got nervous that it would be okay with Dakota to join us.

My first reaction was shock. I honestly couldn’t believe what was coming to my ears. So, without causing an immediate stir i pretended like I was into it. That is, until Dakota and his cousin returned. That’s when I discretely tried to tell Dakota that I wanted to leave. Evidently, I didn’t do quite a good enough job at concealing my upset demeanor.

His mom started getting angry, causing a small scene so luckily for me we packed up and left, dropping off his mom and cousin on the way back.

After settling in back at home, I started gathering up the dirty clothes while doing my very best to tell Dakota about the conversation I had with his mother that day. I told him his mother came on to me, and that she offered to allow him to join if I were to get nervous.

I could tell the news of this wasn’t what he was expecting to hear. He almost seemed as shocked as I was. But, while loading the washing machine he admitted to me that he had sex with his mom, and more than once. The more we talked the more I learned and I did not know how to feel about any of it.

Should I break up with him? That’s the question I had to think about the most. He legitimately admitted to having sex with his mother while I was asleep, in her spare bedroom at her house. How and the fuck was I possibly supposed to respond to that.

But, like always I keep an open mind. I knew Dakota, didn’t I?

His mom lost custody of him when he was around 2 or 3 and his father signed all his rights away, as well. His grandmother, Doris, raised him from his earliest memories. His grandfather left his grandmother because of the fact she adopted him.

All he had even known was his highly abusive dickhead grandpa and his sweet adoring grandma. He daydreamed of having an actual mom and dad his entire life. So, when his mom finally reunited with him when he was around 19 he kept a complete open mind and yearned for a healthy relationship with his mother.

She took complete advantage of Dakota from the moment she met him. She gave her a car, used heavily with her, and quickly they formed a relationship that she would soon take advantage of.

I don’t know all the details but I know it wasn’t before long when she seduced him and got him to have sex with her.

I think about it a lot, still. I think about how the fuck any mother of any capacity could fuck her own kid. The thought repulsed me.

And another thing that bothered me is how Dakota also did not know what she was doing was disgusting. Also, he kept coming back for more and that continues to be something I can’t wrap my head around.

Ultimately, though, I decided to stay with Dakota because the love I have for him far outweighs the disgust I have towards him for sleeping with his mom. But, he was not to speak of it or talk to her again, unless for healing purposes.

He agreed, but this mess was far from over. I underestimated how badly this was affecting Dakota and how long he had been ignoring and lying to himself about the severity of the entire situation.

He got himself into a deep depression. More deep than I allowed myself to see at first. I never experienced incest, but I have been as low as he was following coming clean about him and his mother.

His grandmother stopped taking her Xanax and had a few bottles lying around that she had Dakota hold onto for emergency situations. She was really trying to cut back on narcotics. Dakota took those bottles of pills and after following an argument we had he took off in his car and he went to his ex boyfriend’s, Dylan.

I was at work but he has told me on numerous occasions what he remembers happening that day. He spent a few hours trying to convince Dylan to end their lives together and all the while he was downing handfuls of Xanax. Dylan lived in the middle of nowhere about an hour outside of Springfield. He was not texting me back and I didn’t know what was going on and I was more anxious than a puppy being given as a present on Christmas.

But, I went into work and on my break I headed to the parking lot like I always do and there Dakota was slumped over the steering wheel of my car, passed out.

I woke him up and led him to his own car. I don’t know if he left right away or not, but I got him prepared to leave in his own car so when he was ready I didn’t have to worry about how I’d be getting home.

When I get off work I head home and when I get there Dakota was in a very least favorable state of mind. I don’t remember how but I was able to get his bottles of Xanax from him. I wouldn’t bear watching him attempt his life in front of me. But, that backfired on me because he thought I stole his bag of meth from him instead and he tackled me to the ground trying to get into my pockets.

I was able to escape and I ran to my car. I had a huge bottle of butane and a torch head in his hand and he took it wacked the passenger side window, in an attempt to break it.

Later, he revealed to me that he was only faking trying to bust my window in but who knows.

I take off, dialing 911 while pulling away. Dakota takes off on foot, but he doesn’t have very many options on where to go. He walks up the driveway and passes the neighbors house into the patch of woods behind their house

I’m following him in my car, desperately afraid of his life and well-being. I parked in the middle of long state hwy y and waited for the cops to arrive.

Once I saw that he was apprehended, I drove back to his Grandma Doris’ house and went to bed for the night. I knew he was in good hands and would get the help he so desperately needed.

But, I later found out what really happened after I left.

Dakota did have a bag of meth on him. The cops found it, too and put it on the hood of the car.  He lunged his body forward and scooped up the bag of dope in his mouth and before he knew it he had 5 or 6 cops on top of him. Knees in his chest, they nuggied him in the sternum and tried hard to pry his mouth open.

He told me he prayed harder than he had ever prayed before so summoned up the strength to swallow the drugs in his mouth and with the luck of God he was able to.

They got an EMT ambulance after their failed attempt to retrieve toe drugs from his mouth. They thought he was having a seizure and sent him to Cox Health in Springfield.

He told me that when he got there he spilled all his guts out to the nursing staff and instead of them giving him the help he so desperately needed they just released him. One shoe, because he lost his other one getting tackled by the police.

He walked from Cox to my job where his car still was and went to the office and confronted my boss and told her God knows what trying to get me fired.

But, since he didn’t have his keys he had to proceed walking some more. He was able to make it all the way to Buckees outside of Springfield. He maybe walked 20 miles.

His dad picked him up and on the car ride home and he spilled his guts to him.

Almost immediately after we arrived back in Missouri Dakota got a call from a man he worked for in Florida and he needed his help on a project in Atlanta. He jumped at the opportunity because it was a chance to make some really good money. But if he was going to go then I had to go with him because there was no way Dakota would have stayed awake long enough not to crash.

Atlanta tested our relationship. Things did not go according to the plan in Atlanta and there was bickering and I messed up our reservations at a hotel then the car broke down.

Our car broke down right in front of a hotel and we had Chewie and things weren’t going well at all. But, luckily for us, there just so happened to be a random mechanically inclined tweaker. He fiddled with this and banged on that and twisted and turned things. By God, it worked! Dakota shook his hand and thanked him and the guy just walked on off.

His boss rented an airBB and offered to let us stay with them there. Only problem was Chewie had to sleep outside which caused me to have a fit but once we got there things really weren’t that bad. Chewie did really well with sleeping in the car and the trip turned out to be really good.

We had some really good talks on our way back to Missouri. We ventured off and went sight seeing in Tennessee, too.

I was unsure about what the future held with Dakota getting a job full time doing racking around America that left me alone in Missouri taking over all the mom duties. But, this job meant the world to Dakota so naturally I supported his decision and was ready to make that commitment.

The weeks went by. And they went by. Dakota was let down by the job in Florida.

I came to the realization that I am the toxic one in this relationship. I wasn’t healed and I brought the instability into Dakota’s life. I did that.

I don’t know how to be in a healthy relationship because I had been with Chris for so long I was conditioned into a certain way of life. I drove Dakota to the point of physical abuse because that is what I was used to. I didn’t realize it at first but my behavior and, honestly, my mental illness – being bipolar – had me acting manipulative and I was mimicking some small narcissistic traits of Chris that he unleashed onto me.

Once I realized this I knew how to stop myself from going that far.

We did have one little fight that did not become physical since I’ve gotten back. He broke up with me and I didn’t know how to react so I got out of the car. Right on a busy ramp.

I walked up the hill and across the road by a hotel and some office buildings. I had so much running through my head. I felt like I’ve put in the work why aren’t the results happening the way I imagined they would?

He picked me up and we drove home. I talked to him about what I discovered about myself and how I drove him to become violent with me and how sorry I was. He was elated! He’s been wanting me to realize this since it happened the first time but then I slit my wrists and drove him to madness.

After that talk things have been good, really good. I mean we have little spats like normal couples do but our communication is key and I think we’re both at a point where we’re not afraid to voice our concerns with one another.

Then there was an incident with Caiden. He was quite obviously depressed, he was having crying spells at our house every other week and at school.

We pressured him gently to tell us what had been going on but he was reluctant.

He told us he was getting verbally and physically abused by his mother’s boyfriend. Apparently, he was calling Caiden a ‘faggot’ and putting his hands around Caiden’s neck. His mom encouraging him to do it.

He didn’t care about Christmas, he didn’t care about seeing his presents all he wanted was to stay here with Dad and us. We were hearing his emotions and we were planning accordingly.

No, Caiden would not be going back to his moms. Not as long as her boyfriend is there.

The day he was supposed to return to his mom’s she attempted to pick Caiden up at school and Caiden refused to get into the car with her so the school called Dakota so he left to go settle everything but by the time he got there she was gone.

Later that day here comes Caiden’s mom and boyfriend with the Grandma GiGi. I was standing up in the living room so I peaked my head over and told Dakota who it was.

He shot up off the couch and ran towards the back door where they had parked. The boyfriend was standing up away from the car and buffed up his chest. Dakota ran full force towards him and screamed something about him picking on little boys then WAM!

The boyfriend didn’t give Dakota a chance to even fight back he popped him with brute force onto Dakota’s nose, immediately shattering it. Dakota runs over and grabs the rake.

Caiden is screaming in the background and I’m frozen in place until Dakota let out an animalistic yell towards the boyfriend, he throws the rake down away from the boyfriend and he goes inside.

Blood everywhere. There was blood on the door, all over the floors, the couch and all over Dakota. His nose was fucked.

Caiden’s mom and GiGi come inside and everyone starts talking. They come to an agreement that Caiden could stay at our house that night.

While everyone was talking Caiden’s mom made a comment to me saying that she thought she was going to have to fight me tonight, too.

By the end of it all Caiden’s mom let him stay with us that night but she wanted Caiden to stay home from school the next day.

Dakota’s nose wouldn’t stop bleeding. It was clearly not doing so well and he needed to go to the hospital so I drove him up to Lebanon to get it looked at. The hospital gave him a referral to see a nose specialist.

The nose specialist saw multiple broken bones and she scheduled him for surgery that week. He went in for surgery and it seemed as if it still wasn’t healing correctly and he had a dip in the corner of his eye socket.

There isn’t much more the doctors could have done to fix it at that point so now he has to live with an incorrectly done nose job for the rest of his life.

We celebrated Christmas and the days and weeks and months flew by and Caiden still didn’t return to his mother’s. The law was involved now and Dakota filed charges on the boyfriend for hitting him. DCF was also involved and we were required to go to a few sessions with case workers for Caiden.

We started Caiden on therapy once a week, too.

I felt like we had a stronger connection than ever throughout this. I was able to attempt to be some sort of rock for him to be able to lean against for guidance and comfort and that made me feel a sense of accomplishment.

I guess I was wrong though because as time went by Dakota started to knit pick the things about me he wanted me to change.

And I obliged! I changed into what he needed me to be. I stepped up and transformed into the perfect woman. Or so I thought.

I kept working at Mercy hospital and I fully supported Dakota and I. But, soon everything was about to turn completely upside down.

I’m sorry for causing more disappointment than pride in my adult life. I’ve made a lot of bad decisions and spent too much time with no good people.

I remember the girl I was before I met Chris, before I ever stuck a needle in my arm. I was outgoing, confident, adventurous. I had goals and hobbies and friends to hang out with. My smile lit up rooms.

Just a few days ago Doris, Dakota’s grandmother, she said she wished she could show you how much of a difference I became since I first got here last year. She said she thought you’d be proud.

Which made me cry because honestly mom, all I ever really wanted to do in life was make my parents proud.

I never really put much thought into WHY I ever did drugs in the first place. Maybe it was so I didn’t come off lame in front of the cool kids. Maybe it was because I grew up watching my dad suffer from addiction and I needed to know why he constantly chose using over his kids.

But honestly there is no good reason behind it all.

I won’t tell you all I did while in the midst of my addiction because it’s not something a mother would want to hear but I went to a dark place. I lost sight of who I really was. That confidence I had withered away, I was always second guessing myself so I transformed from an extrovert to an introvert.

Being with Chris meant that I was never stable so I had no time or ability to make friends outside of drugs. And worse than it all I became obsessed with a narcissistic man that gaslighted me to no end.

I don’t know if this will make you proud of me or not but I beat a heroin addiction. I did. I called you from my tent in Spring Hill and I had made the decision to leave Chris and finally go into treatment and I can’t tell you enough that if it wasn’t for your love and support during that trying time I might not have gotten to where I am today.

It’s coming on 2 years since I’ve done any dope. That’s amazing!

I’ve been steady on my medication for over a year now and I’ve done a ton of healing. I’m with a man who loves me. He loves me like a normal man should. In the beginning, I realize now, that I was now the toxic one in the relationship and I was unknowingly trying to turn Dakota into Chris by forcing him to become violent with me. We’ve since resolved some significant issues and I’m happy. I’m actually happy.

I held a job for the better part of last year, the entire year and I plan to do the same this year. Working at the hospital is going to be life changing for me and I’m going to climb up the ladder until I have a career doing something good.

I just wanted you to know how sorry I am. I hate what I put you through, what I put the family through and what I put myself through. I imagine there was times you weren’t sure where I was, what state I was in, who I was with or if I was alive or dead. That’s so messed up of me and I’m ashamed of myself.

I promise for as long as I live I never put you through any of that again. You are an amazing mother and if it wasn’t for you and your unconditional love for me I would not be where I am today. I’d still be using and maybe even dead.

Thank you, Moma. I love you

I ran upstairs and locked myself in the guest room. All I could hear on the other side of the house was Dakota screaming. He was mad because his grandmother decided not to take sides and he wanted her to kick me out.

He left to go get Caiden from the bus stop and when he came back the horror continued. Not only that but he has his son on the other side of the door hollering at me just like his dad. That broke me a little, only because I really love that kid.

I heard him say he was going to get his friend to come over and beat my ass. His yelling set me off though, I couldn’t get away from it and I was too overwhelmed to think so I did the most logical thing in my mind and I called the police.

Of course, he was able to leave and drive off before the police would arrive but I was fully prepared for him to get a slap on the wrist for how he was acting and treating not only me but his grandmother as well,

I assured the police that I was going to leave and move in with some family in Florida and that I would be safe if they left and if I felt I wasn’t safe anymore I could call them back.

I honestly don’t remember how we got it so we were even talking again but before I knew it we were downstairs having a serious conversation about us and what had to be done from this point forward.

We tinkered back and forth with the idea of me going back to Florida but ultimately he really wanted me to stay, and I was willing to stay if he rekindled the relationship we had months back before coming to Missouri.

We’d spend hours and hours discussing his far out sci-fi theories of Aliens and how they came about or if we really come from a God or are we just balls of energy waiting to be released so we can finally travel through space and time.

We talked about our personalities and communicated how we felt, why we did certain things and I felt like I finally was able to resolve some stuff that we both didn’t know how to bring up or solve without breaking boundaries before.

I do believe that our relationship would have lasted and gotten better if I had stayed, but after experiencing

But, I got paid and after I did he asked me what I was going to do and I said I guess I’ll buy my bus ticket back to Florida and for a split second I thought maybe he’d try and stop me or convince me to stay but he said nothing so I booked my trip back to Florida for the following week.

Before I left we talked and talked and solved so many issues we were having and it was light a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I could finally breathe again. Life always has the worst timing.

The day I was to leave him, Caiden and I got together and made ourselves some tie dye t shirts so we’d always have something to remember each other with (mine turned out amazing, by the way).

They drove me down to the bus stop in Springfield and we sat together and said our emotional goodbyes.

He got mad after I got upset that I spilled boiling hot water in my stomach. That rolled into our typical fights but this time it started to get out of hand again.

I don’t remember a whole lot of what had happened. I do recall reaching up to the collar of his shirt pleading with him to calm down but he freaked out thinking I was choking him so he choked me back.

While he was choking me his dog, Bubba, who is typically a very sweet dog ran over and bit me on my thigh.

Like I said though, it all happened so fast. His recollection of the events doesn’t match mine perfectly.

After he left the room I went over to Bubba who was on the bed and I smacked him for biting. Not two seconds later did he run busting through the door lunging at me. He threw me down on the recliner and smacked the living shit out of me. I could see the hatred in his eyes.

He stopped after the third slap rang through my head like a tweety bird cartoon with Themis little birds or stars circling around my head.

“Oh my God” he stammered, hovering above me as he held his gaping mouth in disbelief in himself.

It was almost as if he didn’t know or couldn’t comprehend what it was he did to me just then.

I was hysterical and almost silent behind my sobs – gasping for breath.

I couldn’t believe he did that to me. I was shocked. How could I have finally gotten free from my narcissistic and abuse husband only to have the very next man pull that shit on me.

I honestly can’t even remember how we recovered from that fight because it was bad.

The next few days I went to work I tried to hide the bruising on my face. But, I woke up late one day and toted around a nice shiner on both eyes for everyone to see.

And they did see, alright. The section manager for meat and produce at the Walmart that I worked at called me into her office. She discussed different options that were available for me as a victim of domestic violence. I sat in her office as she insisted on making these calls for me to get out of his house and somewhere stable.

Then the stores main manager sent me into her office and urged me to get help.

I’m not going to lie, I was curious because I was so angry. They allowed me to leave my shift early and I went to the Safe Harbor resource center for victims and I was informed of what I could do as far as file charges, get a restraining order and housing.

I never went back and I didn’t fill out any of the forms I just came home. Caiden is my old reasoning. He deserves his dad.

It wasn’t much long after that he wanted us to be just friends. He wanted to remove the romantic part of our relationship completely so he could fuck around and be able to fuck me too. It’s like he was having his cake and eating it too.

This went on for a while actually – months, if I’m not mistaken.

But, the longer I was around, being his best friend and being around him laughing and goofing like we do. I started to fall in love with him.

That stupid jerk just was so compassionate, so in touch with his emotions, when he got frustrated and a little mad at something he was doing it was all adorable. I love his nose and how his glasses sit on the bridge of it so perfectly. His voluptuous lips he likes to hide behind a well sported mustache and beard.

He is very slender and I still don’t know how I feel about that ONLY because I’m a bigger girl now. He fit his clothes so well and the way he looks at me drives me crazy.

June rolls around before I know it. I love my job, I love my dogs, I love that I’m starting to get hobbies again and go on little adventures. I’m working on who I am as a person and she’s a great person.

I wake up one morning feeling ill but I go into work anyways. By the time I finish half my shift I can’t do it anymore and I go to the office and have them call an ambulance.

Going to the hospital in Lebanon I discover I have pnemonia and I stay there two nights getting stabbed and poked by so many needles and them running all sorts of tests they discover a mass on my lungs but discharged me before discovering what it was.

I go into work and get fired for missing work while in the hospital and when I get home the doctor calls me and asks me to come back because the mass was a rare bacteria growing on my lungs.

I spend another 3 days in the hospital.

Jobless and drained from almost dying I lose myself for a little. I got depressed. I slept all the time and didn’t do anything around the house. I would forget to take my meds more frequently and I’d get anxiety and crying spells.

Dakota hadn’t had a job the whole time we were there and now I wasn’t working so things were becoming pretty tight.

At this point living at his grandma’s as long as we had Dakota was on edge at the house almost constantly. He was meeting up with old friends from his past criminal days and finding any reason he could to go out.

It wasn’t uncommon for us to just drive around to different fish stores.

But, eventually I did get a job at the McDonald’s in town. After I started working things got a lot better again. I felt better, our relationship was better and things at home were manageable.

I was still dealing with Dakota freaking out on me for things I wasn’t even doing but I was learning to handle it better.

Then we got into another fight. I had some energy and wanted to clean the basement so I grabbed the mop bucket and went upstairs. Dakota was pooping so I was waiting outside the door when he told me I could come in there. Just as I was about to dump the bucket of dirty water down the tub drain he decides to go off on me.

Makes me feel stupid because I should have known better that mop water needs to be dumped outside, in the country you can’t be putting just anything down the drain. Then he hits me with a, “what you have to be around me that much”.

That’s what got me. Tears in my eyes, and avoiding eye contact I take my dirty mop bucket and I go outside. During my time outside I go over the situation that just happened and instead of my usual get sad, take his side, apologize and move on hopefully – I start getting mad as fuck. How dare he degrade me and treat me like shit and how dare he make me feel crazy or obsessive after he called me in there. What the fuck is his problem treating me like shit.

I fix up the bucket, go back inside and go to bed. The next day I don’t talk to him and I go upstairs to the guest room. I’m mad mad. Not once does he try to talk about it, make things better or cheer me up. He just lets me get mad

I’m texting him from upstaira and he’s not replying and I’m crying with disbelief.

Next day he says his phone died but he still didn’t try to fix anything and that didn’t sit with me. He spent the entire next day out, on my day off. He was avoiding the entire thing and I just dwelled on it and I eventually wasn’t mad anymore I was hurt. Hurt he didn’t fight for my happiness even a little bit.

So while he’s gone all day I make my way downstairs since he’s gone and I sleep with the dogs in the big bed. He comes home with a milkshake and offers it to me in bed. Like nothing ever happened he sits on the couch. I walk over and sit across from him expecting to have a respectable conversation and resolve this issue I was having.

Mind you it’s a Thursday at this point. He says no, that on Saturday we were going to dinner with his step mom and that we’d talk about it then. So instead of fighting, even though I felt disgusted, I got up and said fine I’ll be upstairs til then.

Halfway up the stairs he yells out to me calling me a whore. Those words hit me and I saw red. I ran back down the stairs and got in his face and told him to never disrespect me like that.

And to my surprise he reaches out to my breasts and grabs them, twists them and proceeded to push me down into the love seat. Instead of coming at him, I glaced over and see his pot plant so I grabbed it and did my best to destroy it as much as I could until he was able to stop me.

He grabs me and puts me in an arm lock then starts hollering for his grandma. I’m yelling at him telling him to break my arm and after what seemed like forever she finally comes down and he lets me go.