To get away from all the drama associated with my existence I decided to get away and my sister offered for me to stay with her and her family at her apartment in Boise, Idaho. So, I flew out to Boise with a backpack, and my skyrocketing mental health and substance abuse issues in hopes that I’d stay sober and retrieve some help.
My sister had just given birth to her first and only son, Axle and was married to a lovely man from California named Shane. Their son was one of the most beautiful babies I had ever seen before, with his gorgeous big blue eyes. He was about 8 months old when I arrived and helped me mourn the loss of my son.
I suffered through my mental health the entire time I was in Boise. I still talked to Chris on the phone but my heart was so broken. An insomniac suffering through the loss of custody of my son, an adoption and whatever postpartum crap our bodies have to go through after birth.
I was smoking copious amounts of THC wax concentrate that our dad was mailing Camille from Colorado all day and throughout the night while everyone was sleeping. I was so manic some nights that I’d just stay up all night making lame and depressing GIFs for my Tumblr account. One night I got drunk, sending drunken videos to my friend Nessa and tattooing myself all over, I was not okay.
After a month in that same old manic loop, with my crazed insomnia, I decided to check myself into a mental hospital for a nice 72 hour hold in what happened to be the nicest mental health facility I could’ve ever imagined. They were the most polite and respectful patients. I even had a schizophrenic apologizing for talking to himself. I was able to get on some medication and participated in the groups.
After I was discharged my sister and I would frequently take off on these long, scenic drives. We’d drive deep into the mountains to see the waterways, waterfalls and gorges. Idaho was, hands down, the most gorgeous state I’ve ever seen. There was something new and phenomenally beautiful to see not 20 minutes from the next. It’s like I let my exploration badge out of storage and I was finally able to appreciate the views.
Sometime during my stay I met an internet friend, he went by the name Jukka but his real name was Joe. He lived back in Florida and he was just really easy to talk to. We hit it off, despite me still talking to Chris and after sharing many sad baths over the phone, he offered to buy my plane ticket back to Florida just so he could meet me.
So, I hopped on a plane back to Tampa and shortly after he picked me up and took me out on dates. We’d lay down in my driveway and stare up at the sky and check for meteor showers. I’d spend the night over his house and I absolutely adored his children. He had a good job, was in a band, owned a truck and held an addiction to Dunkin Donuts coffee and 305 menthol cigarettes.
There was a point in time when I decided to stay with Nessa and her family. I had the time of my life while I was living with her. She had Loki, her son and Acacia which was her baby daughter and I was Titi to them. I love
Unfortunately, right after meeting Joe I reconnected with one of my old crust punk friends, Jarin. He was a drug addict and not before long I was shooting up heroin and smoking meth with him.
I hated myself and I was miserable in my own skin. I was grieving hard over the loss of my 3 children, still. I was medically crazy and I had no coping mechanisms. I’d use all day with Jarin and have Joe pick me up to snuggle and have sex with afterwards. I had Chris, Jarin and Joe – one foot in the door of a potentially fun and adoring man that allowed me to enter the lives of his children, another in a relationship with a drug addicted and lost man while the rest of me was gripping tightly to Chris in hopes to marry him one day. I was honest with Joe when I told him I planned to get with him as soon as he got released from prison.
I’ve always been a deceitful, manipulating bitch that doesn’t have personal boundaries. I was so selfish to try juggling 3 men, I told Chris and Jarin everything they wanted to hear but I also genuinely liked all 3 men. I was getting myself into a bigger pickle than I bargained for.
My behavior was completely out of control. I was sneaking off in the middle of the night, I was sneaking people over to sell me drugs while my mom was sleeping and staying up for days at a time all high on meth. One night my mom and I got in an argument and Jarin picked me up with his mom.
In retaliation, my mom called 911 to have me Baker Acted. It was January 3rd, 2020 and Chris’ release date was January 16th. I was working at Big Lots in Tarpon Springs saving up money so that when Chris got out of prison we’d immediately take a bus up to Maryland.
Jarin’s mom got pulled over just a few short blocks away from my mom’s house with expired tags. I was taken in for a Baker Act, their car was impounded while I was sent to Trinity Hospital and then to the local mental hospital for a 72 hour hold.
While waiting for a bed to open up for me at the mental hospital, I fell asleep. At around 4am a nurse shook me awake and informed me that I was pregnant.
“Shut the fuck up!”, I exclaimed. At that point in my life, after all the bullshit I’ve endured, for that nurse to wake me up and inform me of my condition. It took all of me not to break out into hysterics. What the fuck, really?! God must really hate me and at that point I wasn’t sure how I felt about him either.
Only having had sex with Jarin once or twice and Joe so much more, I was still very unsure of who the father was. Chris was getting out of jail in a little over a week. What the hell was I going to do? FUCK! And now I have the next 3 days stuck not being able to do anything in a fucking mental hospital.
As soon as I got out I told Joe I was pregnant and I made an appointment at an abortion clinic. I brought all the money I had saved up to get to Maryland and it still wasn’t enough for the procedure. Time had run out and I didn’t have a way to fix the problem, so I made a plan to abort the baby before Chris could find out once I got to Maryland.
On the night of January 16th 2020, I borrowed my mom’s car and drove to the Tampa bus station to pick up Chris. I dressed up all saucy and took Chewie with me for a full on family reunion. I was beyond excited. After I picked him up I drove him to the Champion Inn in Holiday and we spent the entire night loving each other and shooting heroin. It was magical.
Then I woke up, Chris was standing over me with my phone in his hands. He had gone through my phone, my texts and God knows what else. He knew everything before I even had the chance to come clean about it. Not only did I lie about being with anyone else while he was in prison, but I was pregnant with another man’s baby.
I had to figure out how to convince him to stay with me as well as figure out what to do about this pregnancy. Chris was so calm about it all that it was almost eerie. He overall just wished I had been honest for once.
So we sat and we talked it out and I told him all about Joe and Jarin. He wanted to be with me, but ultimately he didn’t want me to continue my pregnancy if I could help it.
Allie Willey 