My mom picked me up from the front door of Acts Keystone. I had all my bags packed and I was carrying everything I owned. Luckily for me, in my possessions was a brand new disposable vape that I bought just a few hours before checking myself into detox. I was beyond ecstatic. I had written Chris a letter and sent it to his grandfather’s bike shop so that when I got out I’d be able to speak to him.
As soon as I got my new phone I was able to look up Chris on it and get ahold of him. I told him all about the spiritual change within myself, how I was absent of all cravings and that I decided what I wanted to do with my life and what steps I’d need to take in order to achieve my goals.
My intention was to inspire him and it worked. He was sleeping on his grandpa’s boat which was parked at the bike shop in Salisbury. He had just lost his job at Chipotle and his run there seemed to be coming to an end.
I kept in contact and before I knew it he was calling to tell me he had decided to check himself into a 28-30 day rehab and that I wouldn’t be hearing from him very much because he was only allowed one phone call per week. We made a plan to both carry out our treatment and in 6 months time we’d make our way back to one another.
My mom brought me back to her studio apartment where she set up a little spot for me in her Dining Room and she made the living room into her bedroom. I had just enough space for my clothes and the very few personal belongings I owned which was dwindled down to almost nothing after Chris threw it all in the ocean.
It was a cute little cottage for the two of us to share.
The very day I got out of rehab I made sure to attend my first meeting outside of an institution. I chose to attend an AA group called 4th Dimension which had a few people I knew from my running around days attend and guest speak while I was in rehab. Statistics show that the odds of maintaining sobriety skyrocket if you attend a meeting the same day so in order to increase my odds of survival I attended a meeting.
There was a specific woman around my age that frequently spoke at Acts Keystone from this meeting and I wasted no time in asking her to be my sponsor. I called her before heading to the meeting and she had already saved me a seat right in front of the stage but she drove me home after we went out to eat as a fellowship. It was a really good experience.
My first day of freedom was a start in the right direction. I was motivated, I had drive. My determination had me one step ahead of the game. I went to a meeting every single day for a while there. I wanted to do the 90 in 90!
Through my sponsor family I was referred to a job at a call center in Tarpon Springs via a temp agency called Pride Staffing. Clean Sky Energy was a call center that sold deregulated energy from renewable energy certificates to residential customers in the states that allow you to chose your own supplier. Boring stuff, truly.
That first month went by in the blink of an eye and I was killing it! I was waking up early and taking the bus to work and after work I’d get off at 19 and Main St and hit up the 6pm Survivor’s meeting, dinner then bed. I hated my job but I was starting to become happier.
One day, on my lunch break I received a phone call from Chris. We had a very serious, yet relaxed conversation about what we truly wanted out of life and I was as honest as I could have been when I told him I wasn’t sure what I wanted from him romantically anymore. At that time in my life I had no idea how Chris could fit back into the picture. I was sober, I was happy, I was planning on starting college soon, I was making friends and I really didn’t want to leave Florida.
He was so relieved. Apparently while in rehab he had met someone, she happened to be his counselor. He fell for her pretty hard, too and he wanted to explore his options with her.
I dropped at the news of him liking someone else. Someone who wasn’t me. Instantly, I wished I could take it all back. I would do anything to be with Chris, wouldn’t I?
I’d call Chris everyday from that day forward. But, he was pushing away from me. I held my head up strong because more than anything I wanted Chris to be free from the torment that our relationship was for him. I wanted him to be free to find himself and to be genuinely happy. I had to admit that I wasn’t doing that for him anymore but I was too selfish to write him out of my life.
So, as his best friend and he mine, I allowed him to tell me about his dating life. I let him get excited when he told me that he got hit on all the time and that he’s starting to date and I was so very jealous but I was also so happy for him. I could hear it in his voice he was doing better. Rehab was good for him and sober living is doing good for him, too.
I tried to let myself move on, too. I went out with friends from AA, and I even started casually dating but found myself constantly comparing my dates to Chris and no one could ever live up to those kinds of high expectations.
Over in Maryland, Chris was riding that pink cloud. He was handsome, charismatic, chivalrous and funny. People, especially the ladies, took a notice to him. His self esteem was higher than it had been in years. He landed a job at Boscov’s in the mall and started dating a girl that he worked with.
I told him I was happy for him, I told him he could tell me anything because first and foremost he will always be my best friend. I told him lies about how I was doing because I wasn’t holding up quite as well as i would have hoped for. Truth be told, I was extremely jealous, heartbroken and struggling to maintain my sobriety.
I was working the steps but I wasn’t using the numbers or reaching out to my sponsor when I should have been. Honestly, I was feeling a bit depressed and I just really missed my husband. My best friend.
I longed for the nights we’d spend talking on the phone all night. Those phone calls would give me hope, I’d dream about the day he would return back to me after realizing no one could ever compare to me. Until then, I found myself enjoying listening to the new and improved hyped up version of Chris.
This Chris, this sober and motivated and inspiring version of himself that I’ve been longing to see since realizing he was an addict all those years ago.
If Chris being this happy meant me not being his wife anymore then I’m not going to be his wife anymore. He was practically glowing through the telephone, beaming! The realization of Chris’ happiness set me up for my relapse.
I made it 110 days. I got ahold of Nessa whom at this point is completely strung out on fentanyl and meth and I have her help me get a $20 sack of meth.
The thing about meth is that it’s predictable for me. I use, hyper focus on a task, clean the whole house and maybe afterwards I’ll write or color. Using while living with my mom meant that I had to consume the drugs very sparingly so she didn’t notice a difference in my actions. I had to make sure she never found out.
But, when high on meth you don’t sleep. So I’d sit on my bed in the pitch black of night using my cellphones flashlight to color or write until the sun came up.
Another side effect of meth use is hyper sexuality so some nights I’d also be sneaking out to have sex then sneak back in.
I started a new routine. I’d use once a month, stay clean for a month and get my 30 day chip then use again and I did this until May.
In May I started dating this guy I met in detox named Jacob. I slept with him a few times then asked if he wanted to date and then after day 4 he was telling me he loved me and so I had to break up with him. The aftermath to that was he threatened to burn down my little cottage.
After Jacob happened I decided I wanted to get back on that pink cloud like Chris was. I wanted to seriously sign up for college for addiction studies in the fall. I was having long, meaningful conversations with Chris about what we wanted to do with our lives. Mine was to help trauma and substance abuse victims find healing because ultimately healing is what I want for myself and everyone else too.
Chris wanted a similar career path as mine but what he really wanted to do was create music. He had apparently already started writing raps. He was chuck full of surprises.
In order to go to school for addiction studies so that I could possibly get a job as a BHT (behavioral health technician) at a treatment center, staying in school and working my way up to a degree as a counselor I’d need to stay 100% clean.
I also needed to start practicing honesty. So I sat my mom down and admitted to her that I relapsed and needed to go back to detox and into a sober living house. So that’s what I did.
I left my job at Clean Sky Energy in Tarpon and checked myself in at BayCare. And who do I see in the assigned bed next to mine other than Caelon motherfucking Faulkner! My bunker from rehab. Turns out she recently OD’d on fentanyl at her sober living house and they brought her here instead of kicking her out.
Before I admitted myself into detox I took a bump of a 30mg oxy so I’d be able to fail for opiates and be able to receive funding to get me into a sober living program.
Upon discharge from BayCare detox, I caught an Uber to the sober living house. It was the same house that Caelon was staying at. I was put on a two week restriction but somehow managed to convince the house manager to let me and Caelon go shopping at Walmart.
I wasn’t there a week when Caelon convinced me to come with her to get some fentanyl and we left to get some a few days later and then a few days after that and not once did someone question us about where we were or where our bags from Walmart disappeared to.
On June 3rd, one of the more rainy days Caelon and I decided to walk to Fox Hollow from Ridge and 19 to cop some dope. After she got it, we both snorted a bump and then immediately lost the bag of dope so we proceeded to look for it for a good 15-20 minutes. Finally, we gave up trying to locate it and started walking towards 19.
That was the very last thing I remember I was waking up in the back of an ambulance. I had overdosed on fentanyl.
Crying, embarrassed and slightly in shock, I managed to regain my composure long enough to refuse being transported to the hospital and had them release me back onto the side of the road. Raining, they let me go and Caelon and I made for US 19 so we could catch a bus back to our sober living house.
I cried all the way to 19, my clothes were soaked through and through from the rain. We got on the bus back to sober living.
I visited my mother just a few short days later and she informed me that she had already known about my drug overdose because she received a phone call from the hospital. I forgot when I signed up for the Core Program through BayCare that I opted to have my mom called with any and all information. I guess I just didn’t expect them to call about that.
We both agreed that I was doing better with my sobriety living with her than I was in sober living. I stayed the night at her house the. I picked up the rest of my belongings the next day.
Chris and I were dabbling with the idea of getting back together. Chris had a few stipulations for me. He wanted me back but he wanted me better first and foremost. So, I was to take a bus to Salisbury and go into rehab and into sober living and once the two of us reached 6 months of sobriety then we figured we’d be ready for each other. I was elated!
In order to get me to Salisbury I decided to try one more “junkie mentality “ things. I took my mother’s tax documents and I filed for her taxes – claiming myself. I was supposed to get nearly Two Thousand dollars back. I fully intended on using that money to fun my trip to Maryland and perhaps get some new teeth.
On June 8th 2023 I would receive my very last text message from Chris. He told me to have a good meeting and texted me a picture of a tasty cake.
On June 12th 2023 my sister and her family came over to my moms to celebrate my birthday with a little kayaking trip. I fully intended to buy my ticket to Salisbury that day. My mom, sister and I were passing around a joint when I got the phone call.
Malinda called my moms phone and asked for me, which already I thought was super strange because my mom and Malinda did not talk. She was crying, and she told me Chris had gotten high and they were taking him away in an ambulance. I didn’t know what to say, I was honestly relieved for a short few seconds. Relieved to hear that Chris was alive.
But, he wasn’t. “No, Allie.” Malinda spoke slowly, “they are taking him to the morgue.”
I was literally puffing on a joint as her words crashed violently against my eardrums. My face fell, my entire demeanor changed. I sat in shock for a small eternity. I honestly don’t even remember the rest of the phone call. Tears streamed down my cheeks – wet and hot.
My heart immediately started pounding out of my chest. The very worst thing that I could have ever imagined happened has happened. My entire world crashed down all around me..
Allie Willey 