Chapter 3 Is this love?

I remember the day pretty well. I was a little cranky that day for whatever reason. I was in the kitchen making tea in a pot on the stove and when it was finished boiling I turned off the burner and proceeded to lift the pot off the hot surface when the handle of the pot was unknowingly broken so the pot swirls upside down while I’m holding it spilling the contents on me and my hand. Burnt I yell out in pain and Dakota thinks it’s a good idea to not only laugh at me but criticize me for not knowing the pot was broken.

That set me off and I yelled at him and he yelled at me then I said I hated him and he told me to get the fuck out. This wasn’t an uncommon occurrence.

But something about that day. Something about it just made it so I couldn’t let it go. But then midway us arguing I decide I didn’t want to let Dakota go. That he was what I wanted and I made a mistake. But, things already went a little too far by now.

I go over to him, almost hysterically and I try to calm him down. I put my hands around his neck, but not in a way intended to inflict pain and I tried to coax him. But, failing miserably, Dakota thinks I’m about to choke me and throws me onto a lazy boy and starts choking me.

Then I start choking him and out of nowhere his dog comes out and bites me in the hip. Dakota leaves the room thinking he’s accomplished something and I go over to his dog and I smacked it. Seeing me do this set Dakota off and he throws me back into the lazy boy and smacks me in the face with excruciating force three times.

I didn’t admit or deny any abuse but I didn’t have to. She let me leave early and I went to a center in town for domestic abuse victims to discuss options I might have.

My nose bleeding and bruises quickly forming on my cheeks and eyes he snaps back and immediately regretted what he had done, mentioning how my nose was bleeding.

Crying uncontrollably, I get him to leave me alone and I spent the next few days sleeping upstairs.

I couldn’t believe the situation I had got myself into. The familiar toxicity I had experienced too many times before this. The abuse, the neglect, the lack of respect, the constant fighting. Except this was worse because I wasn’t even getting affection, admiration or love from this guy – just constant bullshit. What the fuck was I even doing there?

But, I didn’t leave right away like I probably should have. Like any normal girl would have done.

I continued to go to work and my manager walked by and saw the bruises on my face and she brought me into the office to discuss it. I was a lost in the emotions, stressed and torn over what I should do next and heartbroken because I was really starting to feel true love for Dakota before it happened. I sat in her office and just cried for a good 20 minutes.

Because of my love for Dakota and with his son and his ciminal history on my mind I couldn’t get myself to fill out the paperwork for a restraining order. I didn’t want Dakota to get into any legal trouble over our relationship issues and ruin his life. So, I left and went home.

That’s when Dakota and I sat down to talk. He didn’t want me to leave. He didn’t want to be with me, but he wanted me to stay. Ultimately it boiled down to the fact that he didn’t want to be alone. But, that was enough for me to feel needed enough to try and be just friends with him.

If I moved back to Florida at that point I’d probably be homeless or living with Nessa in some trap. I was working but I didn’t have enough for a down payment on a rental. It was cold and I had Chewie and he and his grandma practically begged me to stay so I stayed. Deep down I still thought Dakota and I would be good together that maybe we needed to do this.

And things got better, they really did. I was still on my toes all the time but I was trying to be more self aware to how I came off to him. I was opening up to him sexually, we started to do hobbies together like our fish tank and growing plants. We went places together and we had fun.

His dog Stella got pregnant and had 5 puppies. They were blue heeler and rottweiler mixes. There was only one that possessed the colors of a blue heeler and she was the most perfect little puppy the world had ever seen.

I tried not to love her. I tried to avoid bonding with her and staring at her. But, Dakota knew. He knew that I needed her bso he pressed me on keeping her. I said I’m a one dog woman and ignored him until one day I said fuck it.

Bonding with her took time. I was still hesitant and even tried to get rid of her a few times but once it finally happened she was my baby. Her name is Neptune and Dakota kept her sister Jupiter. We now had 5 dogs.

We spent a good month or two living this best friends with benefits thing. I worked at the Walmart and I took the best of care I could for Dakota. I didn’t clean all that much, but neither did he and we had spats about that but I bought him anything he wanted, supporting him financially. I also supported his bisexuality and even attended the Pride parade in St Louis with him which was another interesting night which ended up in him ditching me for being tired and not fucking or something and I spent the night crying alone in a hotel in the most ghetto part of town. But, we made up and drove back home like nothing happened.

Then it happened. I go to work one day and my manager pulls me into her office and she tells me she opened up an anonymous fundraiser for me so I could move into my own place away from my abusive boyfriend and she hands me $1,200 cash in an envelope.

$1,200 cash!

I spent the remainder of my shift trying to decide what I should do.

I could have done a load of things with that money. I could keep it and fix my teeth, move back home, stay and get my own place, or I could tell Dakota and we could decide what to do with it. So many more things I could have done and I literally thought about them all. My mind was going a mile a minute.

I decided to keep the money a secret and that I was probably going to move back home to Florida with it.

I get off work and I call Dakota and I tell him about the money. Impulsively, I allow him to now have a part into where the money went and how it’s spent. And not only that but he actually gets upset with me for getting it because now he thinks everyone thinks he’s abusive when in fact no one knows anything because it was all anonymous.

We blew the money within two weeks and the only thing I had to show for it was two pairs of glasses. I literally blew it all instead of using it to better my life in any way and I feel a bit ashamed about it because people did give me their hard earned money at hopes that I would put myself in a better situation.

I don’t know when it was but one day Dakota and I have a talk and he decides he’s ready to be with me again. I agree to let him do his bisexual thing, I agree to work on myself and try and he agrees to give me another chance.

And things aren’t so bad. But, I was having to constantly deal with him thinking I was going out of my way to piss him off but in reality I’m just a little derpy and unintentionally did or said things that set him off.

I was stuck. I felt stuck, anyways. I was slowly falling in love one day then crying alone in bed the next. I was putting my whole self into getting this relationship to work. I really was. I never cheated, I took care of him, I supported him and cared about him and his feelings. I gave him freedom and trust. And on top of that I was thinking about Chris less and less and working on my character defects to become a better partner. I gave him all that I could.

It wasn’t ever enough.

I’d lay down across from him on the couch, staring at his handsome face and admiring him for being him and he’d think I was up to something.

But, I do admit I would frequently just sit on the couch and stare off doing absolutely nothing but thinking almost all the time. I’d do it until I got so tired I’d fall asleep and it drove him nuts.

There’s something about me. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something that really sets men off. I feel like I’m being as sweet as a button but men just think I’m out to get them.

So even though our sex was on fire and most of the time we actually did get along the times we didn’t were unbearable.

The truth is, and this is just from my point of view his may be completely different but his misinterpreted view of me is what ruined our relationship. The way he always got mad at me when I wasn’t doing anything. That’s what did it.

I could have looked past everything else but our communication went in the toilet as soon as he got mad and I was going to bed with him mad, I was more than likely sleeping alone and I wasn’t getting love.

And I so desperately wanted to be loved.