Dear momma

I’m sorry for causing more disappointment than pride in my adult life. I’ve made a lot of bad decisions and spent too much time with no good people.

I remember the girl I was before I met Chris, before I ever stuck a needle in my arm. I was outgoing, confident, adventurous. I had goals and hobbies and friends to hang out with. My smile lit up rooms.

Just a few days ago Doris, Dakota’s grandmother, she said she wished she could show you how much of a difference I became since I first got here last year. She said she thought you’d be proud.

Which made me cry because honestly mom, all I ever really wanted to do in life was make my parents proud.

I never really put much thought into WHY I ever did drugs in the first place. Maybe it was so I didn’t come off lame in front of the cool kids. Maybe it was because I grew up watching my dad suffer from addiction and I needed to know why he constantly chose using over his kids.

But honestly there is no good reason behind it all.

I won’t tell you all I did while in the midst of my addiction because it’s not something a mother would want to hear but I went to a dark place. I lost sight of who I really was. That confidence I had withered away, I was always second guessing myself so I transformed from an extrovert to an introvert.

Being with Chris meant that I was never stable so I had no time or ability to make friends outside of drugs. And worse than it all I became obsessed with a narcissistic man that gaslighted me to no end.

I don’t know if this will make you proud of me or not but I beat a heroin addiction. I did. I called you from my tent in Spring Hill and I had made the decision to leave Chris and finally go into treatment and I can’t tell you enough that if it wasn’t for your love and support during that trying time I might not have gotten to where I am today.

It’s coming on 2 years since I’ve done any dope. That’s amazing!

I’ve been steady on my medication for over a year now and I’ve done a ton of healing. I’m with a man who loves me. He loves me like a normal man should. In the beginning, I realize now, that I was now the toxic one in the relationship and I was unknowingly trying to turn Dakota into Chris by forcing him to become violent with me. We’ve since resolved some significant issues and I’m happy. I’m actually happy.

I held a job for the better part of last year, the entire year and I plan to do the same this year. Working at the hospital is going to be life changing for me and I’m going to climb up the ladder until I have a career doing something good.

I just wanted you to know how sorry I am. I hate what I put you through, what I put the family through and what I put myself through. I imagine there was times you weren’t sure where I was, what state I was in, who I was with or if I was alive or dead. That’s so messed up of me and I’m ashamed of myself.

I promise for as long as I live I never put you through any of that again. You are an amazing mother and if it wasn’t for you and your unconditional love for me I would not be where I am today. I’d still be using and maybe even dead.

Thank you, Moma. I love you